Lucky yet Unhappy

Lucky yet Unhappy

I have to admit that I am very lucky of what I have now. I am so fortunate that my parents raised me well; send me to school with enough support both morally and financially, and of course the love and the care they give me. I am also so privilege that I have a lot of friends who are there when I need them, shares laughter and tears together with me, accompany me in all the things I did. And most especially I have God, who is there to raise me up so I can stand when I have problems, carry me during stormy weathers, and lead me to the right path of life.
I am so thankful for all the blessings I have. For the talent He endowed into me that makes me productive, for the wisdom and intelligence that makes me smart and leads me to a brighter future, for the wealth that made me sustain in this world, and for a nice physical that made me presentable. With all of these, I can consider myself very lucky.
But at the end of the day, I am still not happy. I still long for a successful mutual relationship towards another person, yet for me, it’s hard to have. I am very curious of what is in me that makes people hard for me to love? For the one I am attracted, they stay away from me and will not try to learn loving me. And for the one who tried to love me, they will not stay long. What is in me? I am nice and sweet the way I know.
Well, we have a lot of things to consider and we cannot please everybody. Somehow, I feel like I am the most unlucky person in this field. Maybe God has a perfect time for me. I know He loves me so much. And aside from that, everything He did as a purpose. Maybe, it’s not yet now. I must be patient.
I am so lucky. YET, I am still unhappy

Sunday, August 21, 2011 2 Comments

People who passed by

Love life has been part of every individual’s life. It is very impossible that you will pass away without experiencing the ecstasy of true love. Me, myself also experience more than that.
I've been engaged with different types of people. To name them, here they are in their glamour look,:

Walay hinawayah ha?

His name is Raymond Gregory Barrocca. We are classmates from grade 1 to grade for. We are always teased by our classmates during our classes. I am his paper provider because we are seatmates. I am also his answer provider during Sibika at Kultura time. Our story ended up when he transferred at Don Bosco here in Dumaguete..As of now, were not that close. She has many girls right now,,peru isa lang ang sasabihin ko, NAUNA AKO nOh!!!!!!

From boy, girl is the next in line. She is Ara C. Aban, my first year high school classmate. When I am still first year high school, I am not so gay. I am very silent but I speak during classes. I will not mingle with my classmates because I am afraid if they will know the real me because maybe they will tell my papa and my father will scold me. This girl is very silent, demure, and very sweet. Yes, I courted her and we became lovers. But our relationship did not last long because she went to Sweden for education. Iyaha kong gibiya_an..huhuhuhuhu. We meet again this year, pero sorry, hindi na kita BET..harhar

Let’s be serious this time. A boy that last long. A boy who will take the risk makasama lang ako. I love this guy so much. He really made efforts para magkakita rami ug mag-work ang so-called same sex relationship. We have been into a very deep relationship. We even did the most sacred things. But the foundation of it was just eventually gone due to unexpected things. But, thank you Ryan, you’ve made my life complete……Godbless to your life!...

Acceptance of who you really are is really hard to acquire. But thank you to this girl. She accept me if who I am, what I make, and what my pasts are. We are very open with each other. We are enemies at first, but we became friends, good friends, and even more than friends. But we decided to walk with different ways. We realized that we are not really meant for each other. Daghan kayo kog sala aning bayhana, sige rkog biga-biga sa uban. Abi nkog dili masakpan,,masakpan man diay,,towew anyways, thank very much dear,,,,,,hindi ko makaklimutan ang sandaling nagging tayo..

The guy the gay that is very hard to forget. His name is Linwell A. Bungcasan. Yes, we have the same family name. I don’t care. I love him regardless of everything. His hip sways better than me. But theres one thing I can say “I love you more than you would ever know, but sorry, you lost your chance to be loved more than you would feel in the rest of your life,,,!!!!..

We have to live life to the fullest. We have to treasure the persons who love and care for us, because they will only come once. We should not be afraid to be hurt. Because it is a protocol that if you love, you will also cry. God really design our life in a very nice way. He let us cry in order for us to realize that we really need to be strong. He also let us laughs for us to remember that we are wonderful the way we are. Do not be shy. Only God has a right to judge us. Don’t mind what people say. Be happy! You deserve it:)

Wednesday, August 17, 2011 5 Comments

I think I am in love

Tick! Tack!!! Time check! It’s already 1 am while I make this blog because I can’t sleep thinking of someone. I hurriedly pulled out the laptop of my roommate and start typing...

These past days, I noticed something deep within me. A special feeling I seldom feel to a person, a feeling that all of us can feel, more satisfying compared after our large intestine relax and contracts-to be in loved.

First time I knew him; he is very silent and doesn’t mind any people around him. But when we talk, I said to myself, “Okay raman diay siya, abi nkog hambog.” Later on, we used to talk, we laugh, and we kill each other through jokes. With those moments we have together, I was not expecting that those will lead to something very special-being in love.

I experienced this for how many times as the fact that I’m still fresh from it. And one of those lessons I learned are not to confess your feelings and do not expect too much. But one problem is that I have an attitude that I cannot keep feelings in myself causing me to tell it to someone. Thanks God, “usa ragud ang nakabalo.”

Then everything started, I am starting to do what desperate lovers usually did. Staring at him when he’s not looking at me, sige ug papansin bisag OA na mausahay, affected sa mga text message ug napuno ug smileys ang mga message ,and gikilig nga siya ray kabalo. How stupid but sometimes stupidity makes people happy.
He is single but I think, there is one who is attracted to him. A girl na wala akong kalaban-laban kaya ayaw ko nalang makipag- laban. It is okay, I have a nice and straight legs compared to her, and aside from that I am more confident to smile than her. heheheh..Im so bad...

But as what I’ve said, do not expect too much. If we are meant together, then no matter what happen,maging kami talaga. But if it’s not, then maybe somebody more deserving to us will takes place, right?

But gosh! How many times people disregard of their sexual status broke my heart? Am I hard to love? Am I that ugly? What will I do? I did my best for me to be nicer.
If true love can wait...How long it will be? How long will I suffer the feeling of being an outcast, the unlovable and the unloved? How long will I’ll be alone in the world. I cannot wait. I am now physically and emotionally ready...I want him to be the recipient of my love, care and affection.

I hope that in one of his dreams, he will realize that I am just here at the side walk, waiting for him, and ready to walk life together with him. I am very loving as a lover to the extent of giving 100% of my life to him. I am very caring, I care very much more than to myself.

I always laugh to people but they just don’t know that behind those laughter, giving up is already next in line.
Hope I can make another emo blog.....

Monday, August 15, 2011 2 Comments

For the first time!

Beep once. “Gosh! I have a text message..
“Hi pink lips”. I received a number of twenty messages with the same content. I don’t know what to feel, to be proud because I had the courage to write about myself or to be shy because of that damn university diary I wrote. It was my first time to write that article for the weekly publication. I was encouraged by my editors to write for my ewee love story when we had our snack at the canteen before having the weekly meeting.
As I was writing, I was able to recall those pitiable memories that I had and the stupidity I posses. I cannot blame myself to feel that way since I believe that in order for you to feel the ecstasy of true love; you have to cry and to sacrifice. And at that time, I thought I am doing the right thing, but sad to say, I was not.But thank to the Lord for giving me the light that made me moved on. Thanks also God for the sufficient wisdom He bestowed into me and I was able to write that thing. And thank also to Rolyn for the editing she had that make my article more emphasizing and for her suggestion of my pen name. And thanks to TN for publishing it.
After reading my published news articles and the university diary, it made me realize how powerful and in demand The Norsunian our paper is. Because at that very short time after our circulation manager put the paper in front of the gate, plenty are texting me about my U.D. And it made me wonder why they are doing that way. Or this is just my first time to experienced this things because this is my first time to write for the u.d.

Anyways, what I did is just doing what is written at the bottom part of the features’ page, “Unleash your momentous experiences in life as student and share with us!” Doing such thing, I find writing interesting. Some said it’s hard to write but for me, writing is just an expression of your feelings. But it’s much better if you write that you know that there is an editor whom will enhance your piece and corrects your grammar…..right? :-)

Thursday, July 7, 2011 4 Comments

My Honest Confession

The first time I saw him dance was stupefaction. The second time I glanced at him was attraction. And the third time I set eyes on him was love.
I have to admit that I have a talent in Cosmetics. To enhance such ability, I volunteered to be the make-up artist of our college during last year’s Mr. and Ms. NORSU pageant. As an additional help to the college, I hired a trainer for the talent presentation of our candidates. I just knew I picked the right person for the job.
I met him long before the pageant, and as I saw him dance with his striking moves for the first time, I knew that something deep inside me dictated that he might be the one. We went along our practice for several days and everyday with him was a perfect day. I would always attend rehearsals though I was not required to go just to make sure that I won’t miss a day not seeing him. I covered his faults when he did mistakes. I even reached to a point where I suffered the mistakes I did not make. But I was not remorseful of what I did for him. I became willing so the more to sacrifice for the sake of love.
Then, a realization came. I cannot afford to have more sleepless nights and pimples. I really have to tell him what I felt for him though it might mean the end of our established friendship. That moment was awkward but I finally said that I have a special feeling for him. It was never easy to do that but my love and the desire to have him motivated me well. However, he gave no reply to what I opened up. According to him, he respected what I felt but he did not know what to answer. His respect for me was not enough.
I was not shy to tell him that I like him very much. I even made efforts of making him closer to me. I befriended each of his friends and tried to make them my own friends. I attended night-outs with them even if I don’t have enough money already. I set my projects and exams aside just to be with him. Sometimes, he would reject my phone calls. But even that did not stop me.
From time to time, I slowly found out that there were barriers to winning him. First was that we have the same surname. Second was the fact that we both belong to that so-called “third gender.” Some say that he is a bisexual but they also said that he has more girly traits than I.
There, I finally realized that I won’t be bitter and fill myself with hatred when the one I chose to love did not choose me. I asked, listened, and then let go. I won’t force myself to understand when I can't, to fight when obviously it’s over and to play deaf to the nagging truth that what I've done did not work and won't work anymore. Instead, I said that I have loved him more than he’d think I would but I feel sorry that he lost his chance to be loved more than he would ever feel for the rest of his existence.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011 Leave a comment

addicted to cosmetics

In order for us not to feel like an outcast, the unlovable and the unloved, we must show to them what we’ve really got!
Make-up has always been part of my life. As a source of income and most especially a passion that I think will lead me in reaching my ambitions in life. When I was in elementary, I used to make my colored pencils as eyeliner because I thought that it is the one used by famous image stylist. There were also times that I used my red ballpen in making the lips red of the celebrity picture in one of my notebooks. Later on, I am starting to discover new things about make-up, its brands, how is it going to be used, and the magic it brings in transforming you into a new you. But before that, I still experienced plenty of trials before becoming a full- grown make-up artist. First and foremost, my father does not want me to be a gay and it could not be denied that most make-up artist is gays. So with that, I am not allowed to befriend gays that knows how to make-up, watch magazines and instructional materials, and to invest make-up in order for me to have a wider knowledge on that field. But those did not stop me, I still did what my father did not want me to do but in a secret way. In my high school years, I was able to study a school which is quiet far from my house and that gives me an opportunity to escape from my father's fence. When I am riding pedicap from our house to school, I am putting on my secretly invested make-up in my face, and when I am going back, I am erasing them all, that is my daily routine, and my father didn’t know about that. Time passes by and I am still doing that practice. My neigh boors told my father that I am doing that way but my reasoning skills still prevail.
Then Sinulog 2009 came, I submit myself to screening. Luckily, I was qualified. At first, my father did not want me to join but still, my reasoning power passports me to join. And that was the start of my FREEDOM, Tita Maika, our choreographer, one of the famous make-up artist in the province, my friend, patiently teach me on how to correctly put make-up in different styles and strokes fitted for a particular occasions such as camera secret make-up, stage make-up, trend make-up, wedding make-up, avant-garde  make-up and more. He also brought me to his "rakets" making me more exposed to make up and at the same time gives me earnings. Because of that, it made my father and my family realized the bright side of being a gay, it made them realized that we can earn money in effortless way by just doing what we want and what we love, and that is because of our talent, intelligence, and creativity. By that time, they begin to accept me of what I am, support me of what I want, and love me for what I want to be. But the most important I gain from them is the trust. That is why until now, I am very careful not to break the trust they give to me by uplifting the gays in the eyes of them, showing them that we are not an outcast in the society but an asset worth to be proud of. As of now, I am enjoying my make-up career with their support but my priority is still my studies because I do believe that education is the greatest weapon I can bring in the journey of life. Moreover, I do believe that make up and rakets can be learned just by yourself but education needs teachers whom will mold and teach you in your chosen profession.

Sunday, July 3, 2011 2 Comments

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